it’s not quite summer. it’s not quite fall. it’s not hot out or really sunny. it’s not fully dark early yet. it’s just this half light. it is hard to be motivated. there is no obvious deadline. the holidays are a little too far off for a countdown.
there is a certain potential for malaise right now. the beige synthetic wrinkle free off the rack days before the lovely moments of autumn emerge in the damp swirl of leaves raked off the front porch.
i feel it is tough to be soft and light. i feel sodden and damp and musty. sleep comes hard and then lands harder. morning comes soon and brings no change. nothing changes. no switch is turning on and nothing is big or important or pivotal.
the simple turn of the seasons when it is not at a harsh vertex that is a direct line into the next clearly defined place.
that is where i am.
it is disconcerting. sort of itchy like a sweater that just slightly irritates but not enough to get rid of or take off. it is a low grade sense of agita.
maybe this is good. maybe this is how transition happens naturally. not in abrupt screeching directional pivots but by pressing through routine.
this may be where the rubber really hits the road. it is so easy to be energized when energy is abundant. it is easy to be active when all lights are green and you are without immediate obstacles and there is a project or life change on the horizon. a project of your making or not. maybe this is the down time during which we can reflect or pause from reflecting but allow the next thing to arise. to watch the horizon.
maybe nothing will arise or many things may and i will be able to choose the one that calls me.
but today. i am quiet. it is quiet.
maybe, not everything has to feel like a fire that needs stoking or putting out. maybe the good stuff is hidden in these mild mannered transitions, waiting to be called on like the quiet hand raised in the back of the class. so, i will relax into this and not allow quiet to be labeled boredom or inactivity, lazy. i can let quiet be vital and inspirational. i know that there are things to look forward to that get placed in my path; but this quiet asks me to generate something or just accept what shows up. i will work with that. for today, i don’t need to create anything and if something shows up, i don’t need to do anything about it. for today, i will just re-caption the space between the seasons. i will allow the dough of my spirit to rise unforced and see what i can make happen when i am ready to make something happen but not a moment before.
i think it feels better just to agree to be waiting. it feels better to agree that i might not do anything, and i might not respond to possibilities that come my way or i might. this means nothing about who i am, lazy, determined, inert or driven, ambitious, dull. it only says something about how i am being right now. maybe, i will choose to learn the lessons of pulling up the covers and lying quietly for a little while before i jump up and take on the next thing.